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Jake: The Metal, The Unmetal, and the Clint Eastwood Movie Reference
Here's a small list of facts about me (Jake, in case the title didn't make it clear enough for you) and where those aspects about me fall on the "What's Metal" scale. I'm doing this because while I fell that you guys most certainly know about us (The Defenders), you may not have a very clear ideas of who we are as me, except that we like metal. As true as it is that just letting people know various likes, dislikes, and interests doesn't give them that much of an insight into your personality, I feel that it's a step above just leaving them totally in the dark. Also, I like to think by making a list like this, it'll show that I'm not one of those people who constantly obsesses over everything metal.
So hopefully this will at least give you a little insight into my personality. That way when you go to write me a nasty e-mail after you read an unfavorable review for an album by a band you like, you'll be able to envision an actual person to whom you're writing the hate mail to, thus breaking down the factor of internet anonymity and giving real consequence to the malicious words you're typing. Which will in effect make you decide to stop writing your letter, saving you an guilty feelings you may get after writing something so malicious to someone who you realize is a real person with thoughts, emotions, hopes, and dreams just like you and saving me the trouble of reading through your poorly spelled dribble that disregards even the most basic tenants of grammar that you somehow justify as coherent English.
One part will be facts that are grouped together that somehow co-exist while contrasting each other, the other section will just be random metal/nonmetal facts.
Metal: Listens to metal. I had to get the obvious/obligatory mention out of the way ASAP. Think of it like Motorhead playing "Ace of Spades" to start their setlist off.
Not metal: Listens to a list of plenty of other genres. A list which doesn't just include classical and jazz ('cause for some reason nearly every metalhead claims to also listen to those two as well as metal). It's a list that ranges from old school hip-hop to j-pop.
Metal: Is a grade-A Nihilist. Placing no real significance in existence is pretty fuckin' metal.
Not metal: Goes to a Unitarian Universalist church. I started going about a year ago, which was a little bit after I learned about UUism. Not long after I heard about it I found out my friend and fellow Defender Bradley went to a UU church.
Metal: Has an immense interest in Japanese culture. Something about the way Japanese do things has always tickled my interest. Recently that interest has spiked through the roof and my interest has become a passion. I'm even to the point where I'm learning how to speak the language. My dedication to Japanese culture easily parallels a metalheads dedication to metal. Hell, even the Japanese culture is totally metal, seeing as though it's based on honor and the previously mention dedication to one's goals/interests. Also, there's sepukku.
Not metal: Has an immense interest in Japanese culture. It also makes me a nerd.
Metal: Is a musician. If an instrument has strings, I probably know how to play it; and even if I don't I can pretend like I do if I know how it's tuned. From there I can proceed to play a series of notes. Sometimes those notes, when played together, make a metal sound.
Not metal: Making a hobby out of amateur standup. Whereas I can use my previously stated music hobby as a medium to make kickass music, with comedy I only have the potential to make people laugh. Metal isn't funny.
Metal: Reads Spawn. If you're not sure why Spawn is metal, this should make things clear for you.
Not Metal: Reads Manga. If you currently go to school, or used to withing the pervious 10 or so years, you've seen the kids that read manga. Yeah, totally not metal.
Metal: Never misses an episode of Metalocalypse. If there's one thing I love, it's people randomly getting disemboweled for no reason. This show plays out like the lyrics to a Cannibal Corpse song with Home Movies/Dr, Katz-esque humor spread throughout.
Not Metal: Never missed an episode of Pokemon (G1) or Beast Wars. I used to think that was the shit back in the day.
Metal: Listens to pre-'90 Metallica. Hard hitting, head-bangin' tunes played at furious speed. These guys were an embodiment of the musical scene that they helped found and propagate, the Bay Area trash. With classic albums like Ride the Lightning and Master of Puppets they became one of the most influential acts in the history of rock.
Not Metal: Listens to post-'90 Metallica. Also, there's this:
Metal:
Has seen the film "Heavy Metal". The funny part is, despite what the title implies, this movie doesn't have anything to do with metal. Well, nothing directly to do with metal anyway. However, there is an evil glowing orb that fucking melts people into nothingness. That, and it has "The Mob Rules" on it's soundtrack.
Studies up on Medieval history. You know, The Dark Ages, Crusades, Renaissance, Greensleeves, Vikings, it's all metal.
Is in Love With Lewis Black('s Standup Routine). He really doesn't even tell that many jokes so much as he just get pissed off and yells about things. The pure malice that flows from the core of his being can be nothing short of inspirational for any "Fuck the world and everyone in it" metalhead.
Not metal:
Plays Magic: The Gathering. "I tap six Mana to play 'Rorix Bladewing' which has flying and haste, so not only can he attack on the first turn I play him, but none of your creatures can block him since they don't have flying. Oh, and I'll also use 'Gratuitous Violence' which doubles the damage dealt to you! Hmmm-- so this is why women won't talk to me."
Eats at Panera Bread. I'm not kidding you when I say Panera is the most unmetal thing in the entire universe. My guess is that if we somehow opened a wormhole to another dimension where everything is the opposite of what it is in this dimension, this would be a blog about Panera.
Frequents 4chan. Metal is an accumulation of all the is right about humanity, 4chan.org is an accumulation of everything that is wrong about humanity.
You don't even need to be a psychology major to get at this is going for...
Plays Tennis & Disc Golf- You'd think I'd at least have the decency to play real golf, a sport I could at least justify playing by citing Alice Cooper's love for the game, but sadly that's not the case.
So hopefully this will at least give you a little insight into my personality. That way when you go to write me a nasty e-mail after you read an unfavorable review for an album by a band you like, you'll be able to envision an actual person to whom you're writing the hate mail to, thus breaking down the factor of internet anonymity and giving real consequence to the malicious words you're typing. Which will in effect make you decide to stop writing your letter, saving you an guilty feelings you may get after writing something so malicious to someone who you realize is a real person with thoughts, emotions, hopes, and dreams just like you and saving me the trouble of reading through your poorly spelled dribble that disregards even the most basic tenants of grammar that you somehow justify as coherent English.
One part will be facts that are grouped together that somehow co-exist while contrasting each other, the other section will just be random metal/nonmetal facts.
Metal: Listens to metal. I had to get the obvious/obligatory mention out of the way ASAP. Think of it like Motorhead playing "Ace of Spades" to start their setlist off.
Not metal: Listens to a list of plenty of other genres. A list which doesn't just include classical and jazz ('cause for some reason nearly every metalhead claims to also listen to those two as well as metal). It's a list that ranges from old school hip-hop to j-pop.
Metal: Is a grade-A Nihilist. Placing no real significance in existence is pretty fuckin' metal.
Not metal: Goes to a Unitarian Universalist church. I started going about a year ago, which was a little bit after I learned about UUism. Not long after I heard about it I found out my friend and fellow Defender Bradley went to a UU church.
Metal: Has an immense interest in Japanese culture. Something about the way Japanese do things has always tickled my interest. Recently that interest has spiked through the roof and my interest has become a passion. I'm even to the point where I'm learning how to speak the language. My dedication to Japanese culture easily parallels a metalheads dedication to metal. Hell, even the Japanese culture is totally metal, seeing as though it's based on honor and the previously mention dedication to one's goals/interests. Also, there's sepukku.
Not metal: Has an immense interest in Japanese culture. It also makes me a nerd.
Metal: Is a musician. If an instrument has strings, I probably know how to play it; and even if I don't I can pretend like I do if I know how it's tuned. From there I can proceed to play a series of notes. Sometimes those notes, when played together, make a metal sound.
Not metal: Making a hobby out of amateur standup. Whereas I can use my previously stated music hobby as a medium to make kickass music, with comedy I only have the potential to make people laugh. Metal isn't funny.
Metal: Reads Spawn. If you're not sure why Spawn is metal, this should make things clear for you.
Not Metal: Reads Manga. If you currently go to school, or used to withing the pervious 10 or so years, you've seen the kids that read manga. Yeah, totally not metal.Metal: Never misses an episode of Metalocalypse. If there's one thing I love, it's people randomly getting disemboweled for no reason. This show plays out like the lyrics to a Cannibal Corpse song with Home Movies/Dr, Katz-esque humor spread throughout.
Not Metal: Never missed an episode of Pokemon (G1) or Beast Wars. I used to think that was the shit back in the day.
Metal: Listens to pre-'90 Metallica. Hard hitting, head-bangin' tunes played at furious speed. These guys were an embodiment of the musical scene that they helped found and propagate, the Bay Area trash. With classic albums like Ride the Lightning and Master of Puppets they became one of the most influential acts in the history of rock.
Not Metal: Listens to post-'90 Metallica. Also, there's this:
That concludes the first part, now here's some miscellaneous crap.
Metal:
Has seen the film "Heavy Metal". The funny part is, despite what the title implies, this movie doesn't have anything to do with metal. Well, nothing directly to do with metal anyway. However, there is an evil glowing orb that fucking melts people into nothingness. That, and it has "The Mob Rules" on it's soundtrack.
Studies up on Medieval history. You know, The Dark Ages, Crusades, Renaissance, Greensleeves, Vikings, it's all metal.
Is in Love With Lewis Black('s Standup Routine). He really doesn't even tell that many jokes so much as he just get pissed off and yells about things. The pure malice that flows from the core of his being can be nothing short of inspirational for any "Fuck the world and everyone in it" metalhead.
Not metal:
Plays Magic: The Gathering. "I tap six Mana to play 'Rorix Bladewing' which has flying and haste, so not only can he attack on the first turn I play him, but none of your creatures can block him since they don't have flying. Oh, and I'll also use 'Gratuitous Violence' which doubles the damage dealt to you! Hmmm-- so this is why women won't talk to me."
Eats at Panera Bread. I'm not kidding you when I say Panera is the most unmetal thing in the entire universe. My guess is that if we somehow opened a wormhole to another dimension where everything is the opposite of what it is in this dimension, this would be a blog about Panera.
Frequents 4chan. Metal is an accumulation of all the is right about humanity, 4chan.org is an accumulation of everything that is wrong about humanity.
Has fallen in love with folk singer Candice Night.
You don't even need to be a psychology major to get at this is going for...Plays Tennis & Disc Golf- You'd think I'd at least have the decency to play real golf, a sport I could at least justify playing by citing Alice Cooper's love for the game, but sadly that's not the case.
